Let me be honest with you right up front, I've made every single one of these mistakes. As a pastor and men's leader, you might think I'd have this emotional stuff figured out by now. But the truth is, I'm still learning how to handle my emotions God's way, just like every other guy out there.
We live in a world that tells men to either stuff their feelings down deep or let them explode all over everyone around us. Neither approach is biblical, and neither one works. After years of ministry and way too many conversations with broken men in my office, I've noticed the same patterns over and over again.
Here are the seven biggest mistakes I see Christian men making with their emotions, and more importantly, what God's Word says about fixing them.
1. Stuffing Everything Down Instead of Processing It
I used to think being a "strong Christian man" meant never letting anyone see me sweat. Anger? Stuff it. Fear? Bury it. Sadness? Real men don't cry, right?
Wrong.
Look at David, the guy who killed Goliath and was called "a man after God's own heart." This warrior king wrote things like, "I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears" (Psalm 6:6, LSB).
David didn't stuff his emotions. He poured them out before God like water from a broken dam. Psalm after psalm shows us a man who felt everything deeply and brought those feelings straight to his heavenly Father.
The fix? Start talking to God about how you really feel. Not the sanitized, Sunday school version, the raw, messy truth. God can handle your anger, your fear, and yes, even your tears.
2. Going It Alone When We Should Be Seeking Community
Here's where my pride used to kick in hard. When life got heavy, I'd retreat to my man cave and try to figure everything out by myself. After all, wasn't that what strong men do?
Then I remember Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. The Son of God: perfect in every way: was "deeply grieved, to the point of death" (Matthew 26:38, LSB). And what did He do? He asked His friends to stay with Him and pray.
If Jesus needed community in His darkest hour, what makes us think we can handle our struggles alone?
I've learned that isolation is one of Satan's favorite weapons against men. He whispers lies like "Nobody understands" and "You'll just burden people with your problems." Don't buy it.
Find a brother in Christ you can trust. Join a men's group. Get involved in ministry where iron sharpens iron. We weren't meant to walk this journey alone.
3. Numbing the Pain Instead of Feeling It
This one hits close to home for too many of us. When emotions get overwhelming, we reach for something to numb the pain. Maybe it's alcohol, pornography, work, sports, video games, or even food.
I remember talking to a guy who told me, "Pastor, when I'm stressed about my marriage, I just lose myself in my work for 12 hours a day. It's easier than dealing with the real problems at home."
Sound familiar?
Jesus warns us in Matthew 26:41 (LSB): "Keep watching and praying so that you do not come into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
The fix isn't willpower: it's prayer power. Instead of running to temporary fixes, we need to run to our eternal God. When the urge to escape hits, that's our cue to get on our knees.
4. Trying to Control Everything When We Feel Out of Control
Money. Career. Family. Health. When our emotions are all over the place, we often try to grab control of everything else around us. I've seen men become obsessed with their bank accounts, work themselves to death, or micromanage their families: all because they feel emotionally unstable inside.
But Jesus is clear: "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money" (Matthew 6:24, LSB).
The truth is, we're not in control anyway. Never have been, never will be. That's God's job, and He's way better at it than we are.
When I feel that urge to control rising up, I try to remember Proverbs 16:9 (LSB): "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
5. Neglecting to Guard Our Hearts
"Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flow the springs of life" (Proverbs 4:23, LSB). This isn't about building walls around our emotions: it's about being intentional with what we let influence our hearts and minds.
What are you feeding your emotional life? The news 24/7? Social media comparison? Toxic relationships? Negative self-talk?
I had to learn this one the hard way. For years, I'd start my day scrolling through news and social media, filling my heart with anxiety and frustration before I even got out of bed. Then I wondered why I felt emotionally drained all the time.
Now I start with God's Word. I guard my heart by choosing what influences get access to my emotional world. It's made all the difference.
6. Trying to Handle Emotions in Our Own Strength
Pride: it's the root of so many of our problems as men. We want to be strong enough, disciplined enough, and spiritual enough to handle our emotions perfectly. But Paul reminds us in Philippians 4:13 (LSB): "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
Notice he doesn't say "I can do all things through my own willpower and determination." He says through Christ.
When anxiety hits, Paul gives us the formula in Philippians 4:6-7 (LSB): "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Prayer first. Thanksgiving included. God's peace as the result. Not our white-knuckled effort to "get it together."
7. Thinking Emotional Struggle Equals Spiritual Failure
This might be the most damaging mistake of all. Somewhere along the way, we got the idea that if we're struggling emotionally, it means we don't have enough faith or we're not spiritual enough.
But look at the heroes of our faith. David dealt with depression. Elijah had suicidal thoughts. Jesus experienced anxiety so intense that His sweat became like drops of blood falling to the ground (Luke 22:44, LSB).
Even the Son of God felt the full weight of human emotion. If He could experience fear and anguish while remaining perfectly obedient to the Father, what makes us think we should be exempt?
In Psalm 13, David cries out: "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me?" But then he ends with: "But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation" (verses 1 and 5, LSB).
That's the pattern: honest emotion followed by determined trust. Not the absence of struggle, but faith in the middle of it.
The Real Fix
Here's what I've learned after years of getting this wrong: God doesn't want us to be emotional robots. He wants us to be emotionally healthy men who bring our full selves: including our feelings: under His lordship.
That means feeling deeply but not staying stuck. Processing honestly but not wallowing. Seeking help but not losing hope. Trusting God's goodness even when we don't feel it.
Brothers, if you're struggling with any of these areas, you're not alone. Every man in my ministry deals with at least a few of these mistakes. The enemy wants you to think you're the only one, but that's just another lie.
Start today. Pick one area where you know you're struggling and bring it to God in honest prayer. Find a trusted brother to walk alongside you. Dive into God's Word and let it reshape how you think about emotions.
Your emotional health matters to God, to your family, and to the kingdom work He's called you to. Don't let pride or fear keep you stuck in patterns that aren't working.
What step will you take today to start handling your emotions God's way?
Soli Deo Gloria, Pastor Jody