Brothers, I need to be honest with you about something that's been weighing heavy on my heart. As I've walked alongside men in ministry for years now, I've watched too many good Christian men get caught up in a distorted view of what it means to "man up." And if I'm being completely transparent, I've struggled with this myself.
There's a battle raging in our culture, and sadly, in our churches, between two very different definitions of masculinity. One destroys. The other redeems. One leads to isolation and brokenness. The other leads to authentic strength and deep relationships.
I'm talking about the difference between toxic masculinity and biblical masculinity. And friend, understanding this difference might just save your marriage, your relationships with your kids, and your own soul.
When "Manning Up" Goes Wrong
Let me tell you about a conversation I had with a man in our ministry just last month. Let's call him David. He came to me broken, exhausted, and honestly… angry. His wife had just asked him to consider counseling for their marriage, and his response? "Real men don't need therapy. I can handle this myself."
David had bought into what our culture calls "toxic masculinity", though he would've never used that term. In his mind, he was just being a man. A strong man. A man who didn't show weakness.
But here's what toxic masculinity really looks like, and I've seen it destroy too many families:
The Emotional Shutdown. Men influenced by toxic masculinity believe that showing emotion, any emotion beyond anger, is weakness. They've been conditioned to think that vulnerability makes them less of a man. Research shows that men following this pattern are significantly less likely to seek mental health help, even though they're 1.8 times more likely to commit suicide than women.
The Domination Trap. Instead of leading through love and service, toxic masculinity teaches men to lead through control and intimidation. It twists the biblical concept of headship into something God never intended, domination rather than sacrificial love.
The Violence Solution. When toxic masculinity takes hold, aggression becomes the default response to conflict. Studies show that 23% of men believe violence is an acceptable way to gain respect. Brothers, this breaks my heart because it's so far from the heart of Christ.
I'll admit something to you: I used to struggle with some of these patterns myself. Growing up, I was taught that "boys don't cry" and that showing emotion was somehow unmanly. It took years, and honestly, some painful mistakes in my own marriage, before I began to understand what God's Word actually says about true masculinity.
What Biblical Masculinity Really Looks Like
When I study Scripture, I don't see the angry, domineering, emotionally distant man that toxic masculinity promotes. Instead, I see Jesus. And Jesus was the most masculine man who ever lived: not because He was harsh or controlling, but because He perfectly embodied what God created manhood to be.
Let me share what I've learned biblical masculinity actually involves:
Emotional Strength, Not Emotional Absence. Jesus wept. He wept over Jerusalem. He wept at Lazarus's tomb. He felt deeply, loved deeply, and wasn't ashamed to show it. Biblical masculinity doesn't mean we suppress our emotions: it means we learn to channel them in godly ways.
When Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 16:13-14, "Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love," he's calling us to a strength that's rooted in love, not in domination.
Sacrificial Leadership. Here's where I had to do some serious heart work in my own life. Biblical headship isn't about making unilateral decisions or demanding obedience. It's about laying down your life for those you love, just like Christ did for the church.
Ephesians 5:25 doesn't say "Husbands, rule over your wives." It says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." That's sacrificial leadership: leadership that serves, protects, and puts others first.
Gentle Strength. One of the most challenging verses for me has been Galatians 5:22-23: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." Notice that gentleness is listed as a fruit of the Spirit. A truly strong man: a biblically masculine man: is gentle.
This doesn't mean we're weak or passive. Jesus showed righteous anger when He cleansed the temple. But His default mode was gentleness, patience, and compassion.
Vulnerability as Strength. This one has been revolutionary in my own life and ministry. Biblical masculinity actually includes the courage to be vulnerable: to admit when we're struggling, to ask for help, to seek wise counsel.
James 5:16 tells us to "confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed." That requires vulnerability. That requires admitting we don't have it all together. And brothers, that's not weakness: that's the kind of strength that leads to healing and growth.
The Battle in My Own Heart
I want to be vulnerable with you about something I've struggled with. Even as a pastor, even as someone who teaches these truths, I still fight this battle in my own heart.
Just last year, I was going through a particularly difficult season. Ministry pressures, financial stress, some health concerns: it was all piling up. My first instinct was to isolate, to "handle it like a man," to not burden anyone else with my struggles.
But my wife saw through that facade. She gently confronted me one evening: "Jody, you're doing it again. You're carrying this all alone instead of letting me help carry it with you."
She was right. I was falling back into the toxic pattern of thinking that strength meant isolation, that vulnerability meant weakness.
That night, I had to make a choice. Would I continue in the toxic pattern, or would I embrace the biblical model that I preach about?
I chose vulnerability. I opened up to my wife about my struggles. I reached out to some trusted brothers in ministry. I even considered counseling: something the old me would have been too proud to do.
And you know what happened? I didn't become less of a man. I became more of the man God created me to be.
Practical Steps Toward Biblical Masculinity
Let me share some practical ways we can move away from toxic patterns and toward biblical masculinity:
Start with Surrender. This journey begins with surrendering our cultural definitions of manhood to God's definition. Pray and ask God to show you areas where you've been influenced by toxic patterns rather than biblical truth.
Learn from Jesus. Study the Gospels with fresh eyes. Look at how Jesus interacted with women, children, the marginalized. Notice His gentleness, His compassion, His willingness to show emotion. This is your model for masculinity.
Embrace Accountability. Find other men who are committed to biblical masculinity and invite them to speak into your life. Join a men's group, find a mentor, or consider our Christian conferences for men where we dive deep into these topics.
Practice Emotional Intelligence. Learn to identify and appropriately express your emotions. This might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you've been suppressing emotions for years. But it's essential for spiritual and relational health.
Serve Others. Look for ways to serve your family, your church, your community. True strength is found in service, not in being served.
The Cost of Getting This Wrong
Brothers, the stakes here are higher than we might realize. When we embrace toxic masculinity instead of biblical masculinity, we don't just hurt ourselves: we hurt the people we love most.
Our wives feel unsafe, unloved, and unheard. Our children learn distorted patterns that they'll carry into their own relationships. Our churches become places of performance rather than authentic community.
And ultimately, we miss out on the abundant life that Jesus came to give us.
A Personal Invitation
If you're reading this and recognizing some toxic patterns in your own life, I want you to know something: there's no shame in admitting you need to change. In fact, that admission is the first step toward true biblical masculinity.
Maybe you need to have a difficult conversation with your wife. Maybe you need to apologize to your children for ways you've modeled unhealthy masculinity. Maybe you need to seek counseling or join a men's group.
Whatever your next step is, I want to encourage you to take it. Your family needs the man God created you to be, not the man that toxic culture has told you to be.
If you're looking for community and support on this journey, I'd love to connect with you through our men's ministry. We're all learning together, all growing together, all becoming more like Jesus together.
Remember, biblical masculinity isn't about perfection: it's about progression. It's about daily choosing to follow Jesus rather than cultural expectations. It's about finding your identity in Christ rather than in performance or dominance.
And here's the beautiful truth: when we embrace biblical masculinity, we don't become less of men. We become the men we were always created to be.
Brothers, the world is watching. Our families are watching. Let's show them what true, biblical masculinity looks like. Let's be men who love deeply, lead humbly, and follow Jesus faithfully.
The journey isn't easy, but it's worth it. And we don't have to walk it alone.
Soli Deo Gloria, Pastor Jody